I’m working part time, which to me feels like full time. I’m still learning the online process as i’m taking courses online. Oh man, I feel as if I am drowning. Made my first F today on an assignment I didn’t know we had. I think it’s time to start pushing myself to stay up later and work on my stuff, write all the time, journal daily about my struggles as a writer and as a student and as a hostess. I can’t fail the course, cause if I do, I get kicked out of grad school… No pressure, right?
The Past Tends to Haunt Those That Dream It.
I’ve been struggling for years to forget part of my past. This particular haunting haunts me in the form of past love.
To make a long story short: I once was irrevocably in love with a guy in high-school. For eight years I loved him. He is now engaged, and even after telling him, he started to ignore me and as it is normal, he moved on. He is to be married soon, and while I am happy for him and wish him the best, he is no longer in my life.
We were extremely good friends, which is why I think I fell for him to begin with. However, I ruined that friendship with my wild and unimaginable feelings of desire to just be with him romantically.
Years after my graduation, I’ve dreamed of him, his face, the love I had for him, and while that love no longer exists, and it doesn’t, I assure you, I still dream of him in that way. For the past year, it’s gotten worse. Last night and nights before he haunts my dreams and I can’t stand it! I’m not sure what to do, see my psychic who has also become my therapist? Seek help in some form or fashion? I don’t pray as i’m not really religious, so i’m at a loss.
I know deep down in my soul that I have no lingering feelings for him. I guess part of my heart was lost to him way back when, and I am now 27, where as I was 18, and it’s been a long time and I’ve mostly healed. But, it still hurts a bit. The sting hasn’t gone away yet, and i’m lost as to what to do.
Comments on answers or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
The Stars in my Eyes – Aligned and Enlightened
Warm baths, hot skin, wax melts, scented aromas filling the dewy air – I am bliss.
Happiness only decreases as the water droplets turn to pouring, flooding, rivers.
My skin tingling, cozy shadows cling to the walls as the candles dance in the breeze of the bathroom – I am alone.
Again my thoughts collide, wondering where my soul is meant to go, winding, weaving, jumping through hoops, my memories are on a loop.
I vanish under water, soaking in the silence – I am restless
I am everything, and yet, nothing at all. I am loved, wanted, accepted. I am everything that anyone has ever poured into me, which includes, hate, resentment, apathy.
I relax at the bottom, my eyes closed, my eyelids playing messages sent from the depths of my soul. My torn anger, ripped to shreds, no longer exists – I am grieving
My head pops up, water everywhere, ripples and currents, splashing over hefty bridges and countless cars. People scream as a dam of tears let loose. “Not again! She cries too much!”, they yell from their windows, their cars being swept away with the salty aftermath of what once was.
Salt pools in my bath, floating to the bottom to disintegrate. The ashes of the candles, melted wax covering the tiled floor, puddles of different colors intermingle – I am fine.
Somewhere out there, my purpose lives; exists. I aim to find it, wherever it may be. Looking, searching, for that will so long lost and forgotten. Out to sea with my emotions, the tides of my fears leading the way.
I breathe a heavy sigh, the air puffing from my thin lips, whisking up into the air to dance on the ceiling before fading into nothing – I am content
A Restless Mind Makes Way for a Restless Life
Like butterflies floating along the current of my blood in my veins, I too feel rather, “floaty”. That’s the best way I can put it, anyways. I didn’t take my medicine last night, because I was “too tired”. I am reaping the repercussions today already.
I slept in way too late for my like, almost 1pm in the afternoon. Even then, upon waking, I didn’t want to get anything done. Can I afford a day to sleep in? Possibly. Do I tend to feel lazy when I do so? Definitely. So I woke up, got ready, made coffee cause i’m too broke today to buy one, and headed off to Starbucks to study and write. It really is too hot to be alive right now, especially in Georgia. If you’re from Georgia, you know that we don’t have four seasons, right? It’s simply Spring, Summmmmmmmmmmer, “Fall”, “Winter”. It’s always hot, so it seems. I wish for winter when bugs would die and I could see my life essence on the wind as I exhale. But alas, that would be wishful thinking.
In fact! My parents are taking me and my sister to the Bahamas for Christmas this year. I’m sure it will be just AS hot, if not hotter. I suppose, though, if it does have to be hot on Christmas, what better than to be on a tropical island, right?
I feel like my mind always runs away with itself. I get into sort of weird tangents going on about any and everything that have little to do with my current needs at hand. When I do, I get lost, and when I get lost, I give up. My life’s too short, and I would take medicine, but ADD medicine usually makes me focus too much, as it’s job should, and I get panic attacks. I much prefer to be aloof and floating through life, getting things done on a whim, when and where I am able to.
Now to get onto it, I have assignments that need completing, and I probably should read for once in my short life, if my attention span can handle it.
Possible New Job Opportunity While Battling Graduate School
It seems a bit surreal to finally be in graduate school. After spending years, college and thereafter, exploring the idea but never progressing on my wants/needs, I finally took the swoop to apply, and I got accepted shortly after. Full ride too….with loans! Books paid for, classes paid for, and I get money back.
I recently quit my job, along with three others, due to bad management. I worked hard, I was always on time, I showed up, and I then gave almost two weeks notice. It occurred to me, that no matter how hard I worked, my willingness to learn fast to become higher up in management, it didn’t matter in the end. Each and every time I was shot down with higher expectations thrown in my face that apparently I couldn’t fit.
So I had a job interview today. It went great…until the manager told me that she needed to call my old boss as a reference. Now whether I will get the call later to get the job, that’s a big IF. I suspect that it won’t be bad. If I get it, great. If I don’t, try again. I wish to be happy where I work at. I’m tired of working in a place/s where I don’t fit and where i’m unhappy. I think hostessing is pretty cool, I could use extra tips, and it’ll provide me with exemplary people skills that i’ll be required to have in the future.
I’ve had people over the course of my life critique how I live. Living at home with my parents, at 27 years old, isn’t the norm, evidently. When you don’t have many bills, when you are still in school, when you live in an economy where living on your own at a young age is hard, really and truly isn’t such a bad thing. My family are my best friends. I’m lucky to call them mine.
Not driving, I can see that to be an issue…in a small city. My city is small, in comparison to a lot, but it has Uber, and i’m a pro with riding Uber. I walk a lot to places I need to go to, and when i’m making money, pay people for gas. And, I have friends in my life who understand my heart wrenching struggle with my anxiety while on the road, and that it cripples me. Could I learn to drive and be more mobile? Sure. Would I cause a wreck at some point because of my turrets and being unable to keep an eye on the road at all times? Hell yeah.
Working retail is fine. I’m still YOUNG. I am 27 years old, or I will be in a couple of weeks, but I have already claimed the age as my own. I do not care about working retail right now, because working towards my goal, and my end result, is going to be worth it. I’ll be there by the time i’m thirty. That’s great timing. A college degree, minimal bills, a masters degree, and new jobs on the horizon. Yeah, i’m pretty excited.
All of this is to say, wish me luck on my endeavors, and i’ll wish you luck on yours. May the universe be on our path and show us the way.
Openness is Vague Unless Stated Otherwise
This is especially true for people like me, mentally ill people who are open about their illnesses. Being open about what you go through is all good, unless you don’t give a reason, or have a reason rather, for doing so.
My reasoning behind being open about myself is to help others like me. I think my friends, and sometimes my family, tend to forget that aspect. Helping others by being open, and giving your reason for doing so, is marvelous. Not many people out there are unashamed of themselves. Not many people out there have come to terms with their demons; the ants crawling under their veins in an attempt to get loose. But alas, it isn’t that easy, and if anyone understands, it’s me.
I try my best to, without feeling the need to push people, be there for them. I also try to not push the idea of medication on people. Medicine has changed my life irrevocably. While I do think that nature helps people, essential oils, marijuana (it helps my father considerably with his depression), and other things of the like, I do believe medication works best. However, and I do mean this, it isn’t the only thing out there, and while I do enjoy taking my medicine, it isn’t for everyone. But, I do give that option to people who ask me what to do or how to control their diseases.
I have had friends tell me that I am addicted to my medicine, which, in my opinion, is rather foolish thinking and silly. It would be like a diabetic being addicted to their insulin. It is the same, and yes, it has the same effect. It heals us, helps us stay healthy. Our brains have actual, scientifically proven, chemical imbalances. While I somewhat see their point, as I pop them like my favorite candy at the desired time of my doctors instructions, it isn’t true. I need them, and without them, I would not be alive. Long forgotten memories of my existence floating on the wind of suicide. Yeah, it’s that bad. But, whatever, what do I know about myself, right?
I am a writer, and as such, I try to write things, articles, blog posts, books about what has helped me cope in life. I am amidst writing a memoir about my bipolar and whatnot, and it isn’t finished yet because at times in my life, I lack the motivation to finish it. One day, however, it will be finished, and it will be a fantastic work of truth and life. Now, should anyone be jumping from their seats to read about my life? Probably not, but possibly it will help someone out there struggling with the same diseases. I should hope so, at least.
I should quit writing while I am ahead. I’m currently in grad school for creative writing, and while it doesn’t excite others as it does myself, I do have work to do and finish before Sunday. I shall progress tomorrow at this time, another blog post, of what service I have no clue. Till then, have a wonderful and fantastic day!
Graduate School and my Future
For the longest time, even in college, I have wanted to be a writer. I’ve partially written three books; two of them fiction, one a memoir on my daily struggles as well as a lifetime struggle with my mental health issues.
When I was in college, I so desperately wanted to travel to Europe to study creative writing, particularly so that I would be able to just travel in general. Instead I got a job in South Korea as an English teacher. While this has helped shape my memoir, as I began writing it when I was in a Chinese airport, something was missing. I wasn’t writing as much as I wanted to.
Coming home the second time, I got a job at a sandwich shop, still something was missing in my life. I sat down and started writing again, my favorite book, Born Again. I have always wanted to get it published and in due time I will.
I have sent my partially finished manuscript to many publishers over the course of the week, and have been turned down twice. However, as that would upset even the sanest of people who critique their own work far too much for their liking, I was left with words of encouragement.
I have decided to pursue a degree, a masters, by going to graduate school. I had never imagined or wanted to go to graduate school online, simply because I enjoy one on one experiences, but I need to make money, and while I am between jobs, it is something that is needed in my current present state of mind, and living situation.
A creative writing degree will open up many doors for me, be it a publisher, a writing professor, and finally, and hopefully, getting my works published. My senior thesis is getting my book published, and while I am working on publishing it now, it is meant to be a series, so I believe I can get the second in the series published, and oh, how exciting that is!
I have had one person tell me that it must be a mistake, that I didn’t give it much thought. This same person is someone who tended to critique my own life far too much for mine, or anyone elses, liking. While I try not to listen to too many people’s opinions on my choice of living, I did so with her. But, I realized shortly after that everyone else in my life is simply at ease and happy with my decision. If you know me, college shaped my writing career, as did my over exaggerating, over dramatic, dreamer like mind. Fantasies playing throughout my head before sleep every night, wishing, dreaming that I were elsewhere, living a life of extreme magnitude, adventure around every corner. Alas, I will simply have to stick to my novels, my television shows, and my own written books and articles.
That is okay though. We are all dreamers, some just more avid than others.
The Beginning, and the Aftermath.
They say life has a way of changing, bringing with it unspeakable change. Pulsing, surviving at all cost, that fear of unworthiness. You tremble, you shake, but yet, you cannot shake off what is to come. Like ants crawling under your skin, reminding you of your future, your present.
Lucy understood this all too well as she grasped her sword, lifting it high above her head, the edges glinting with a bright glare from the shining sun over head. She shook her head, oh how she wanted to wipe the sweat from her forehead. But she had to concentrate…on him.
He walked forward, a repulsive sneer plastered across his gorgeous face. “Little girl, you know not what you are doing. Put down your sword, it must be far too heavy for you. Come with me, to the side of the future. It shines to brightly, don’t you see? You will be my prized possession! Many will fear you, but not me. No, I do not fear you, little one. I know you, you are much like me.”
“I am nothing like you! You are but a mere coward, asshole!” Lucy spat, spittle of hatred flying from her lips. He spat at her, growling loudly as he marched forward. The wind started to pick up, Lucy’s jet black hair billowing out, her pony tail having let loose, in inky and incandescent waves. “You know so very little, almost nothing. You threaten these people that I love. You threaten MY people! Humans have done nothing to you. You despise them because you fear them. You fear that you will be forgotten, a story lost amidst the sea of your despair. Your tears and anguish causing you to float away. Away from those who forget you. And yes, they WILL forget you, simply because you are nothing!” Lucy yelled from her strong stance on the wet earth. It had started to rain. Hard, unrelenting, beating against her porcelain skin.
“You will be mine!” He screamed at her, running towards her, his feet pounding against the earth as he meant to end her rant. Lucy smiled, a small smile of pity, for she knew what she had to do. It was her prophecy, and her future was bright with it, as well as whisperings of the past.
“I will end you,” he growled. “You will suffer at my hand, slowly. I will corrupt you and violate every part of you, mind, body and soul!” Lucy frowned, but she wasn’t scared. No, she felt adrenaline pulsing through her body, her power cracking the air.
“And possibly, I will destroy HIM in front of you! Your screams and pleads of mercy bouncing off of my stone walls, and you will fear me.” He said angrily, reaching for his sword and unsheathing it. The scraping sound of metal alerted Lucy’s senses to the danger at hand.
There was a loud crack in the air, followed by a bright light, and Lucy was lost to her power; relentless power. Her skin buzzed, the air snapped, her hair beat against her back. She felt nothing, her vision hazy with a sort of blue sheen. She wondered if this was her end, her demise, but decided quickly she wouldn’t go down without him. She smiled, a large smile brightened her face, and he stalled in his steps towards her.
Lucy pulled her silver sword, sketched with carvings, above her head in an arch. Blue light sparked out of her body, her eyes shown a brilliant bright blue that startled every man on the field, including him. They began to run in fear. They knew they would lose. His men screamed as they ran, some on their knees pleading with her, but it was too late.
He fell to his knees before her, a silent scream erupting from his throat as she swung her sword down, her head tipped back, her mouth open, blue light shooting out, and then the field lit up, and he was gone. Everyone else evaporated as well, gone with her power, simply disintegrated. No one was left, save for those on the outskirts; her people.
It was the end, finally.
The Past: Where Souls Collide
The twinkling stars speak to me, as do the mothers and grandmothers of the past. Whispers of silent pain, echoing through the forest of what once was. Nothing but time can erase images of failure, the monster of negativity, clutching my heart, my mind, my sanity, all packed away in a small, green box.
I often wondered, as a child, this so called “purpose” that priests tended to shout from their pulpit. Spittle of betrayal and warm words aimed at their audience. The words “Do not think it, do not dwell” written between fine lines in red ink. Never knowing, never understanding, until reaching a hand back to clasp the past. Warmth spreading across my white skin, buzzing energy of the saints of my mothers. I had always wondered where my mind came from. Knowing now, looking back at swollen eyes, crying their silent tears for me, I now know. I am special.
I look up into the night sky, a small secret smile playing upon my lips as I breathe the fresh Autumn air. “It isn’t that bad. There’s always such worse things out there. Count your lucky stars”, they say. I do. One by one I count each individual star, their enormous, far away gas like structures, shining down on me, smiling a lonesome and sad smile.
The air around me is fresh with the past as I recount my life, wondering how I got here, and I think of my grandmothers before me. Their families, so trickled by fear of the unknown in their head, wondering where they went wrong. “I must have, I should not be this way. This peculiar, yet frightening nightmare skipping across my mind in a hazy aftermath of depression.”
Sure, many do not understand, but yes, many indeed do. That’s what makes life so bearable and odd. People close to you won’t understand you or what you have to offer the world. People you are not exceptionally close with will understand completely. Who must you talk to? Those closest to you, or reside in the fact that those who you are not close with understand more? Possibly a little bit of both. However, secrets are meant to be kept and sometimes, for your own good, swept under the rug from prying, loving, concerned eyes.
A puff of air escapes my lips as I ponder my ability to turn people towards me, with the flick of my wrist, and words dripping from my lips. Dainty, wonderful, loving words that help those in need. “Possibly, this is what I am meant to do. Help other people, do my own bidding.” It makes perfect sense to help those who need help the most, who are plagued by what plagues you. Only you can understand the best. You just “get it”. Not everyone does.
Speaking to my ancestors answers prayers and long forgotten questions. I understand my goal, my title as a human being. Someone who once sought solace, now does not confine herself to the mere possibility that she doesn’t exist in this world. The stars spoke to me tonight, whispered love into my soul: You are special, you are loved, now go forth.
Life and its Consequences
I’m only writing this because i’m stuck and my head and heart hurts.
I’m usually pretty lucky. I have my bad days, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been able to do a lot and experience a lot. I’m typically a really good person, even thru my mental struggles, I live life to the fullest and pursue that which sets my soul on fire.
My sister, however, is not so lucky. She has had a lot on her plate as of late. For the past three years it seems as though luck is never on her side. Today I found out something that made me just cry and cry for her. I can’t imagine what she’s feeling, but for me, it’s really fucking with my depression.
I feel so deeply for her. Life has its consequences, no matter what we do. It’s almost as if she tries hard, so hard, but she still gets fucked over. I will never really understand the universe, God, whatever. I was struck with mental illnesses at birth, and she was struck with other bad luck, growing worse as she gets older.
I have to keep her life a secret, from everyone. I’ve only told one person, and they don’t even know her. I have to hide it from our parents, even though they can tell something is wrong and they grill us over and over. I can’t break her trust, but I also don’t want to break their trust. She will never tell them, and she expects me not to as well. It hurts me, as I hate lying to anyone. I try my best to be honest and not keep things to myself if I can help it. But I love her and would do anything for her.
My heart aches for her, and I don’t know how long I will carry her burden for her. Perhaps weeks, months, who knows. It’s up to fate I suppose. It’s up to how bad her consequences are.
For now I will listen to BTS and journal and clean to get my thoughts straightened out.
Mollye's Adventurous Mind 